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HUSH NOW. It’s time.
Regardless of having this season spoiled for us a number of occasions a day for the final month, by some means we’ve discovered ourselves in a spot the place we truly haven’t any f*cking concept what’s about to occur.
Was this on function or no?
Will Mr Badger select nobody, in flip disrespecting everybody’s time however principally ours? Will Osher cry into the ocean and yell that Nick wasted a) his roses b) his good hair gel and c) his properly designed and impeccably executed video games which may not have all the time made sense?
Will Cass even be on a vacation in New Caledonia by coincidence? Or shall she try and disguise herself as an area and do a weird dance to greet him?
Will intruder Brittney lastly get the conga line she so desperately needed to start out?
All she needed was to conga.
However one factor is for certain: Honey Badger went on TV for the lols and now he’s in New Caledonia having to current a hoop to a lady he doesn’t like that a lot. And there’s no higher man to assist him do this than Osher who has gone full Getaway as he frolicks via the fields of New Caledonia in a weird new get together shirt.
Clearly Mr Badger’s household have flown to New Caledonia for one easy cause: To see their good pal Brooke.
Might they’ve simply met up with the 2 finalists in Australia moderately than fly to a different nation? Definitely. However Osher needed a vacation and right here we’re.
Badger explains to the opposite Badgers that they are going to be assembly Brittany and Sophie and no. They do not perceive. Neither of these names sound remotely like Brooke.
WE WERE PROMISED A BROOKE.
They need a Brooke and wtf is that this.
Mr Badger says one thing about how Brooke wanted to go residence as a result of she missed her household and sweetie, no. We knew you were not listening.
He assures the guy Badgers that the 2 women he has with him are “tippy top” and truthfully at this stage even they’re over Mr Badger.
First, he brings out Brittany, and his household like that she has brown hair. It reminds them of their good good friend, Brooke.
Nick’s sister then takes Brittany apart and says: “Your ovaries are getting old, discuss.” Brittany agrees and guarantees she may have youngsters ASAP and never allow them to watch an excessive amount of tv which sounds horrible however okay.
When she returns to the household, Nick by chance begins happening a tangent about the way it’s actually troublesome as a result of he thought he’d know who he appreciated by now however he does not as a result of they’re each common lol.
Brittany is unimpressed and needs he a minimum of waited till she went to the bathroom to bitch about her.
Subsequent is Sophie – and as standard Mr Badger spends the primary eight minutes of their interplay complimenting her on her face.
He introduces her to his household, however earlier than lengthy his brother Luke asks Sophie out on what seems to be a date which is embarrassing for everybody. She agrees, they usually head out the again to have a chat.
Sophie cries for causes which might be unclear after which says she has to open up extra which does not appear truthful given the slab of concrete she’s being pressured to work together with.
“Have you ever actually spoken to him tho?”
After she leaves, Luke sums up, “It’s a toughie, you’ve got Britt… you’ve got Soph… you’ve got Broo…” and NO THERE IS NO BROOKE PLS.
Badger’s sister drops a goddamn bomb and we prefer it very a lot.
“They’re both right and wrong for him,” she says. “I don’t see that either one is the right package for him…”
However now Nick has run off and rented a jet ski and FFS dude what number of occasions have you ever been on a jet ski this season? Too many.
He picks up Sophie, and takes her round New Caledonia, yelling about how she brings out the youthful power and pleasure in him. Mate, that is not Sophie. That is the rented jet ski.
Sophie then decides it is time to inform Mr Badger precisely how she feels which we swear she has carried out a minimum of 3 times however okay. She says she needs to shout how a lot she likes him off the highest of a mountain however with different women right here it is too onerous and so on. and so on. She then opens up about her worry of rejection, and whereas she cries her eyes out, Mr Badger seems to be at her with a slight smile on his face.
You see, he is interpreted the clause in his contract that claims, “Don’t give away the winner” to imply “Be a psychopath” which is awkward for everybody.
“I’m falling in love with you,” she says, and he REMAINS SILENT earlier than shutting her up with a kiss.
Now it is time for Nick’s remaining date with Britt and he says he is as like “a dog with two tails,” which truthfully is nearly probably the most self conscious factor we have heard him say all season.
They go in a aircraft and see New Caledonia from the sky, earlier than touchdown on a love coronary heart which has been mowed into the grass and we swear to God in the event you guys destroyed New Caledonia even somewhat bit in your foolish present we’ll by no means forgive you.
“He makes me feel whole again,” Brittany says which we’re fairly positive is an Atomic Kitten lyric from the early 00s however we’ll permit it.
They start to debate their future over wine and cheese and Brittany says, “You just fell into my life..” like when ‘fell into my life’ means ‘I signed up and auditioned for a actuality tv present and received by means of after which competed with 24 different ladies and now I am right here.’
Nick responds to all her feelings with “Oh maa Gawd…” earlier than taking a deep breathe and muttering, “Mmmm, oh Britt.”
Do not do that once more.
“I want all the same things you do,” he says, “but I just don’t know if the timelines match.” … Wut.
You possibly can’t join The Bachelor after which criticise somebody’s timeline which features a companion within the close to future. YOU CAN’T DO THAT.
Mr Badger then begins getting an actual tortured look in his eyes and says that the doubt is in him and for a cut up second we really feel weirdly… unhappy.
HUSH IT’S TIME FOR DECISIONS PLS AND HOW IS NICK GOING TO FORMULATE AN ARTICULATE SPEECH FOR EACH OF THESE WOMEN?
As we all know, whoever arrives first is the loser and as soon as we see a foot it is clear it is Sophie.
“Soz about it.”
However why can we really feel prefer it’s not that straightforward?
Osher greets her in French as a result of he is actually been stepping into the vacation spirit which is nice.
However lastly, Sophie stands in entrance of Mr Badger, and he says, “I like you a lot Sophie,” at which level she is aware of it is throughout.
“I am not able, with all my conscience to whole-heartedly commit to you right now,” he explains, however she does not depart but so he provides, “our journey comes to an end…”
Properly. That was the weirdest rejection in Bachelor historical past. Sophie mutters one thing about Brittany being the most effective earlier than operating away to cry alone.
However Sophie will not cease speaking about Brittany and we expect we’re being baited.
“If it’s not me,” she says, “then I’d hope it was someone like Britt…” and WE DON’T THINK IT’S ANYONE EXCEPT MAYBE OSHER.
Goodness, goodness it is Brittany’s flip and our palms are sweating. Osher seems to be much more nervous and we expect he is aware of.
Omg, no, we’re critically sweating.
Brittany is in a marriage gown so if she’s rejected will probably be notably awkward. He compliments her on her bridal robe after which will get into it.
The music is altering… we really feel optimistic. He’s being all nostalgic. “You’re an amazing woman…” he says and THIS IS ALL GOING DOWN HILL.
“When I say those three words I want to really mean it.. I won’t be entering into a relationship unless I can give all of me. I’m not looking for a girlfriend. I’m looking for a life partner. And I can’t promise that right now,” he says and excuse our French Osher however HOLY F*CKING SHIT THIS IS NEXT LEVEL.
WE ARE SHOOK.
“So that’s it?” Britt asks and yep we guess everybody simply goes residence now.
WHAT IS HAPPENING WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL.
Wait. Why can we really feel unhappy for Mr Badger? He’s so confused and emotionally immature and he simply does not know the best way to have ideas and emotions and is not this every part fallacious with poisonous masculinity goodness gracious.
BUT IT’S STILL GOING.
“So, he picked no one?” Brittany asks a producer. “What a gigantic waste of time that was,” she displays, together with the remainder of the nation, earlier than asking that she go see Sophie and verify that she’s okay.
That is fcked.
However they… cannot cease laughing.
As a result of that is ridiculous.
Sophie is… all of us… in our lounge rooms proper now.
What occurs to all of the individuals who put cash on a winner? Huh? HUH? What occurs to all of the workplace sweepstakes?
WE HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS.
We shut with Honey Badger wanting guiltily on the digital camera, assuring himself there’s somebody on the market for him.
We’re positive there’s. However perhaps subsequent time do not go on The Bachelor whenever you’re not that eager on a girlfriend.
You’ll be able to comply with Clare and Jessie Stephens on Fb, and be a part of our Bachelor Lols Fb group.
Compensate for all of the recaps proper right here:
Ep 1: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The awkward incident that has two ladies fuming.
Ep 2: The Twins recap The Bachelor: Probably the most cringeworthy first kiss we have ever seen.
Ep three: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The love letter that ought to’ve by no means, ever been learn.
Ep four: The Twins recap The Bachelor: One lady leans in for a kiss and Nick… doesn’t need it.
Ep 5: The Twins recap The Bachelor: We now have one, quite simple query for Cass.
Ep 6: The Twins recap The Bachelor: A request for a kiss ends in tears and we’re executed.
Ep 7: The Twins recap The Bachelor: Er… it truly simply turned too imply.
Ep eight: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The Imply Women ending nobody noticed coming.
Ep 9: The Twins recap The Bachelor: So this entire factor about Brooke’s secret is admittedly tousled.
Ep 10: The Twins recap The Bachelor: “Let’s stop kidding ourselves.” One lady walks out.
Ep 11: The Twins recap The Bachelor: The silence that killed our goals.
Ep 12: The Twins recap: Properly… let’s be actual about what led to that random AF eviction.
Ep 13: The Twins recap The Bachelor: An X-rated pool session makes us very uncomfortable.
Ep 14: The Twins recap The Bachelor: “This is really inappropriate, Britt.”
Ep 15: The Twins recap The Bachelor: We’re so unspeakably indignant at Nick Cummins proper now.