If a woman thinks you’re a participant, it may be a fairly uphill
battle together with her after that. Right here’s why she thinks you’re a participant –
plus find out how to take away the ‘tells’.
I endorsed a pal just lately who’s struggled with ladies for
someday. He is a little bit of a ‘arduous case’ – a man who’s been within the recreation a
very long time, is pals with many very expert seducers, and is very
expert on the early a part of approaching and assembly ladies, and even
good at getting women again to his place… however he has tons and plenty of
hassle sealing the cope with ladies. After the primary kiss at his place,
they invariably depart.
Guys like this may be robust to work with, as a result of issues that
work for nearly everybody else stubbornly do not for them. And also you run
into the difficulty of the man not understanding precisely what’s fallacious himself, and
it being onerous to diagnose for those who do not spend a lot of time with him
Nevertheless, one clue just lately was his report on a date that did not pan
out. Early on into the date, the woman closed off a bit and made remarks
resembling “How briskly do you often have intercourse with the ladies you’ve intercourse
with?” and “I am somebody who does not simply hop in mattress immediately.” This,
thoughts you, was not when he was making an attempt to take her residence, or touching her,
or hitting on her – this was early into the date, once they’d simply
arrived on the date location and simply started to speak.
This pal will get feedback like from different ladies too; typically on
dates, typically again at his place.
And whereas it’s common to get women telling you issues like “That is
too quick for me” or “Do you all the time transfer this quick with women?” as soon as
you are again at your home with them, peeling their garments off, the
farther eliminated you get from that whereas nonetheless receiving these feedback,
the extra of a drawback you recognize you have got.
On this case, the issue is the ‘participant
vibe drawback’. The issue is she looks like you’re a
heartless participant, and she or he is simply the newest slab of meat to cross your
Clearly, for profitable seduction functions, that is one notion
you’d wish to dispel.
In case you’re studying this and saying “That is me! Girls all the time assume I am
a participant!” don’t be concerned, a lot of men undergo it. I’ve handled
it; most guys who’re any good with women have handled it.
One factor concerning the ‘woman thinks you are a participant’ drawback is that it
is not essentially since you are
a participant, simply because she thinks
you’re. I used to get women telling me I appeared like a participant again
once I had zero success with ladies but, and I’ve seen loads of guys
through the years who’ve had this occur too.
You can have participant vibe issues for those who’re getting laid a lot, and
you’ll be able to have them should you’re not getting laid in any respect. A
lady’s learn of your ‘player-dom’ is much less an correct studying of your
literal sexual historical past and extra a guess at your intentions.
A number of the most sexually prolific males you’ll ever meet don’t
remotely come throughout as gamers (although others very a lot do, and easily
discover methods to offset their ‘participant vibe’). The “man who’s been with 300
ladies but appears so heat, pleasant, and right down to Earth” phenomenon,
contrasted with the “man who hasn’t had intercourse in a yr however who
continually will get accused of being a participant” phenomenon, ought to assist
drive this level house.
It isn’t concerning the precise
life you are dwelling, or the ladies you’re (or aren’t) getting collectively
It is about the way you current your self, pure and easy.
What She Means When She Calls You a ‘Player’
Lately, we have a tendency to think about the phrase ‘participant’ (in courting
parlance) as which means ‘man who will get laid a lot’.
However this is not what ladies imply. If a lady discover out that heat,
superior, and in addition attractive man she’s taken a shine to has been with 300
ladies, she nonetheless will defend him as ‘not a participant’, even when she factors
to another man who’s been with 30 ladies and has a much more game-y
character as ‘undoubtedly a participant’.
What a lady means when she calls a man a participant, then, shouldn’t be “this
is a man who will get laid a lot” however, slightly, one thing nearer to the
unique definition of the phrase ‘participant’.
A ‘participant’ is somebody who performs. We used to name actors ‘gamers’
(and typically nonetheless do).
A ‘participant’ is a man who looks like he is appearing or enjoying. Like
interacting with women is all a recreation to him.
Ladies will assume gamers
get laid a lot. As a result of in the event that they did not get laid a lot, they’d deal with
this entire courtship factor a lot extra significantly, proper?
However what they’re primarily taking a look at is conduct and presumed intentions,
moderately than a man’s precise sexual/romantic historical past (which they haven’t any
method of understanding or precisely gauging, even when somebody provides them a few
‘information’, just like the man’s intercourse associate rely or a description of a number of
of his prior relationships – ‘information’, in isolation, do not imply a entire
lot, actually… details want context to be significant measures of
What a lady means when she calls you a participant is “You’re simply
messing round, you deal with courting like a recreation, and you do not take ladies
(or me) significantly.”
Is It a Drawback, or Is It Not?
Do you have got a ‘participant drawback’?
That’s to say, do you must repair your presentation to be much less of a
playboy, or do not you?
The very first thing to comprehend is that how a lot of a ‘participant’ you’re is
open to interpretation. You could possibly be a big participant, however there’ll
nonetheless be ladies who won’t view you as one. Likewise, you might be the
most honest man on the planet, however in case you chat up sufficient ladies, sooner
or later a few of them will accuse you of being a playboy.
Thus, you need to watch out about going overboard altering issues
should you do not run into the ‘participant drawback’ all that always.
Should you solely get accused of or handled like a participant as soon as in a blue
moon, you doubtless need not fear about fixing any type of egregious
Nevertheless, in the event you get referred to as a participant a lot, or you’ve got ladies behave
round you want they assume
you are a participant, that is a signal one thing probably wants fixing.
When you get the participant remedy a lot, your strategy wants some
Observe you do not often need to ask feminine buddies for his or her
opinions on this.
Or girlfriends. Ladies who know you properly will view you thru a
totally different lens than ladies who’re assembly you for the primary time. Ladies
you are recognized to might view you in a extra sympathetic mild, or a harsher
mild; they could need to change you, or shield you from the reality, or
maintain you the best way you’re and encourage you to not change.
Thus, when determining whether or not you come throughout like a ‘participant’ or
not, the ladies it’s essential to take note of are:
- Ladies you strategy for the primary time,
- Ladies you’re taking out on first dates, and
- Ladies you convey house for the primary time
Previous the ‘first time’ for any of those, you’re getting more and more
cloudy knowledge. Go by first impressions and you will have rather more
correct, usable knowledge.
Indicators She Thinks You’re a Player
Okay. What indicators are there a lady (you’ve got simply/just lately met) thinks
you are a participant?
Listed here are a few to maintain your eyes peeled for:
She asks you questions
about sexual frequency and rapidity.
“How soon do you usually have sex with girls?” “What number of women do you
sleep with every month?” “Do you all the time transfer this quick?” Questions like
these suggest you’re doing one thing uncommon
(in her eyes) – sometimes, that you’re behaving or treating in a method
that makes it look like ‘intercourse is a sport’ or ‘I get a lot of tail’.
She begins to speak about
how conservative she is. If
she begins to say issues like “I take it fairly sluggish with guys” or “I
do not often kiss earlier than the third date”, she’s establishing preemptive
partitions towards you being over-aggressive together with her. She’s defending
herself earlier than she thinks she’ll have to defend herself with you, whereas
additionally encouraging you to place the brakes on a bit and get to know her
higher (be extra honest).
She discusses her dislike
of gamers. “I
do not actually like gamers. I do not get together with them.” Something like
that is her asking so that you can qualify your self as ‘not a participant’,
often as a result of she thinks you is perhaps one however is not positive.
She asks you ways ladies
“respond to that” or asks about your approaching.
She might ask you “Do girls like when you do that?” about one thing you
do or say. Or she might ask you “Do you meet a lot of women [on the
street / in the park / at the club / wherever you met her]?” Questions
like these inform her she thinks it’s essential to do that a lot, and she or he’s simply
the newest in a lengthy line of girls you’ve got used these similar methods,
strains, or approaches on.
She outright asks when you
are or accuses you of being a participant. “Are you a player?”
or “I bet you’re a real player.” Something like that is her flat-out
saying she thinks you are a playboy.
With all these, the sooner these indicators seem in your courtship,
the extra pronounced the participant vibe. If she does not begin telling you
it is ‘too quick’ till you are pulling her denims down again at your home,
you possibly can relaxation assured any participant impression she has of you is small. If
she begins to inform you it looks like you progress actually quick 5 minutes
into your first date, although, you are throwing off a lot of participant vibe
Word too that some ladies will do ‘player-testing’ with virtually any
man. Even probably the most respectful good guys
can run into ‘participant accusations’ on occasion, in the event that they handle to
begin speaking to or taking out on dates a woman who does this (and
truly, good guys are extra
more likely to run into these types of women… the kinds of women who
player-test everybody are additionally the kinds good guys basically have
higher photographs with).
So for those who do not often get this, and it looks like some completely
bizarre, nonsensical factor (“How can she probably assume I
am a participant?!”), it won’t be you come off such as you’re simply enjoying
round; it could be, fairly, that she merely player-tests everyone.
These are the indicators. Do you see a few of these or get some typically?
In that case, how typically – and the way early into your courtships?
Should you assume you may be coping with a ‘participant drawback’, then learn
on – as a result of subsequent, we speak about methods to cease seeming fairly a lot the
recreation participant with women.
Earlier this week, we talked about being current.
That helps. Rather a lot. It is very arduous to look like a participant when you’re
additionally current. Presence lends
you a robust pure sincerity, the antithesis of the participant’s sense of
Nevertheless, for functions of this text, I am going to assume you do not have
presence down but… since should you did, you probably would not run into
participant issues a lot.
So, as an alternative, we’ll speak about a few different options.
The very first thing to take a look at is conversational depth.
When I first began deep diving, it was
partly in response to my ‘participant drawback’. I needed to not be seen as
some superficial man… however on the time most of my dialog with
ladies consisted of small speak and banter.
Ladies, I typically obtained the distinct impression, felt extra like they have been
speaking to a recreation present host than they did a potential mate.
Deep diving was a answer for that. Now in fact, it is all for
naught if she does not really feel like you’re listening to and understanding what she’s
That is one concern my good friend from the beginning of this text has – he
does not all the time grasp the whole lot communicated in a dialog, and
‘misses issues’, which may make it more durable for him to look like he is
actually there with the individual, and that the dialog truly is
deep and significant. Should you miss one thing essential and it does not
appear to register or you do not appear to ‘get’ it, the opposite individual can
really feel like the entire dialog is all an act.
Depth alleviates the participant drawback… however provided that she feels there’s depth.
Even when you get onto deep subjects, if she does not really feel such as you
perceive her or relate again, she will not really feel just like the depth is ‘actual’.
This will make the participant drawback even worse, if she’s gone to the
hassle to open up, solely to really feel like what she’s opened up about has
fallen on deaf ears.
To get higher at constructing and operating deep and significant
conversations, see these articles:
Roughen Your Edges
The extra polished you appear, or the extra good you seem, the extra
suspect you may be.
Nobody is ideal. Nobody is that
polished. In case you are, it’ll really feel like an act to her. It’s going to really feel like
you are enjoying.
The simplest method across the ‘too good’ drawback is to offer your self
a bit extra of a tough edge. You could be a little much less clean, a little
rougher, and a little extra weak.
‘Roughness’ simply means issues like you do not go charging seamlessly
from one quippy line to the subsequent. Slightly than make your dialog
slip round like quicksilver, take breaks. Make pauses. Give your self a
little extra time to assume earlier than you reply typically. Do not all the time
placed on a present of probably the most good nonverbal expressions all of the
Typically, simply be rougher.
Vulnerability is one other method to roughen the sides, and you may present vulnerability in Byronic methods:
- The person with wounds in his previous is weak
- The person who reveals a drawback (“I drink too much”) is weak
- The person with moody feelings (“I have mood swings”) is weak
This clip from The Saint
a nice instance of roughness and vulnerability that lend realness to a
man who is definitely a playboy each within the movie and in actual life (Val
Kilmer primarily shagged his approach via Hollywood… again in his
Whereas Kilmer’s character may simply be accused of being a participant
from the best way he presents himself all through a lot of the remainder of the
film (by no means actually taking something too significantly), we see in his
seductions him making wonderful use of tough edges and vulnerability to
make himself much more human – and keep away from the ‘participant drawback’ utterly.
Discovering & Eliminating ‘Player Tells’
Some time again we talked about eliminating facial and physique tics.
A ‘participant inform’ is sort of like a tic – it is an unconscious factor
you do that provides you away, so to talk, as a participant.
Listed here are a few issues that go into the field of participant tells:
You crack too many jokes / are too intelligent
You have a good, scripted reply for each query
You have unusual-yet-practiced-sounding opinions (like on
You contact her throughout low factors or ‘pressured excessive factors’ (i.e.,
it isn’t truly a excessive level, however you attempt to drive one… say by
laughing your self at a joke you made that she didn’t snigger at)
You take ladies via a too-rigid course of; you attempt to venue change when a woman is
clearly not prepared for it, or in any other case at a bizarre/awkward time
You smile an excessive amount of (some smiling is sweet, particularly on the
strategy; extreme smiling just isn’t)
Your compliments are too generic
You’re extra targeted on attending to the subsequent factor you need to say
slightly than collaborating in a naturally-flowing dialog
Any of those that present up perform as ‘tells’ that you’re more likely to
be a participant. The extra of those a woman sees, the extra she’ll assume
you are some play-around man.
The answer? Maintain an eye fixed out for these similar tells your self, and
regularly weed them out.
The extra you weed them out of your conduct, the much less like a participant
Final however definitely not least: present extra interpersonal heat.
The hotter you’re as a man (and you may flirt… tease… even be an asshole to her, and nonetheless
be heat), the extra honest you come throughout as. And the extra honest you
appear to be, the much less of a playboy she’ll understand you.
‘playboy drawback’ happens if you appear insincere.
It isn’t an correct
studying of your private historical past with ladies, your aptitude with them,
and even (essentially) your intentions.
It’s, quite, a lady’s feeling about how honest your curiosity in
her appears to be, and whether or not it appears to her like you’re ‘enjoying a
It is unattainable to by no means, ever get accused of being a participant (should you
strategy sufficient ladies). Just because there are ladies all throughout the
spectrum when it comes to ‘participant paranoia’… the edge for any given
lady deciphering your actions as ‘playboy-like’ may be larger or
decrease, relying on her personal character and previous experiences. Plus, you
can by no means rule out the women who identical to to check guys to see the place
You principally eliminate accusations of being a participant by following the
steps in part two above. Do this, and ladies will come to see you as
an more and more honest, non-player man… it doesn’t matter what your private
historical past or current intentions could be (even in case you are one thing of a participant).
The most effective ‘hack’, in fact, is to truly simply be honest with
ladies. However, simply since you are it does not essentially imply
you will appear it – it’s a must to study to point out it, along with simply